I need to learn to be alone

I realised earlier that I haven't had any real time on for own for over a month. I'm always surrounding myself with people so I don't have to be alone with my thoughts. When I'm on my own I 'm either terrified that everyone hates me, end of cutting myself, or drinking vodka. I need to learn to be ok with myself before I can get better. Everyone always thinks I'm absolutely fine and a massive party girl, on the surface you'd never think there was anything wrong with me. Even when I'm surrounded by all these people I feel so incredibly lonely. I know I am loved, but I just feel so unbelievably alone. I've not discussed this with my counsellor as I want her to think I'm ok, I want everyone to think I'm ok. I don't want people to think I'm attention seeking, so I don't talk to anyone, except my three best friends, but Even Then I worry they're getting sick of me. I want to hide away, surrounded by people.

Choosing life

People think a lot of things about Bipolar disorder. Before I was diagnosed the only people I knew of who had bipolar were Kerry Katona and Jean from Eastenders, so my opinion wasn't favourable (or well informed). I'm writing this because I have three packets of Nurofen in my handbag and I can't get out of bed, every inch of me is screaming 'take the pills! Take the pills!' But I'm writing instead. When you have bipolar you brain isn't your friend. I feel like I'm ruining my own life and my brain is trying to kill me. I quit my job last week without another job to go to, I've ruined two longstanding friendships in three days and spent my entire months wages in one weekend. Now I'm feeling incredibly down and am trying my hardest not to take any pills. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm constantly fighting with myself to do something and now that I don't have a job, I've got no reason to get up in the mornings. I constantly surround myself with people, yet I've never felt so lonely in my life. I have no energy left and I'm so tired. I need to find the strength from somewhere to carry on.